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Anyway, we were making out, and there just wasn’t that … But she was into it, and her abandon surprised her. Which I found out was, more or less, dumpy, sarcastic dork. Life is too few breaths, and it’s wise not to waste them on romantic fool errands.

It turns out she normally went for the athletic type, with gelled hair, abs, and a superhero jaw.

Their warmth can turn you on anytime like a bulb Willingness to try any type of food.

Not all girls are open to trying out different type of delicacies.

Since they think the world of themselves, don’t expect them to be all that nice towards you.

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As they were putting on their heels to join me in the champagne jacuzzi, it occurred to me that these phantasmagorical sirens weren’t doing it for me.

Then I woke up with both of my arms in my pant legs. I am not going to hate on our collective notions of beauty. There is a profound disconnect between what we’re told to think is sexy, and what it is that we actually think is sexy, between glamour groupthink and the sanctity of the individual perversion.

Does Megan Fox cause my eyes to pop out of their sockets, cartoon-style? Not all dudes want to go home with vampy, bikini-dipped beauty queens.

In fact, most men will probably agree with me that what satisfies their touch and tongue cannot be communicated in two dimensions. I think I have a weird Earth Goddess/Edward Gorey fetish.